Monday, March 04, 2013

Belated Realizations

You know, it's been going on in his head ever since he can remember. Her voice, her aura, when she smiles, everything. With all that's been going on in her life, the struggles, her personal life crises and her own self discovery, he knew he had to be there; he had to be like a solid backbone, and he tried his best. As subtle as he could. She needed her own personal space.

All the times he would see her, and starts getting nervous, like a 14-year old boy, in love for the first time. But his fear of losing her held him back, especially that the timing was never right for him to confess. Or so he thought. And with all the people around her and her mixed up feelings, he felt he was being pulled back by others, who were slowly taking his place.

He tried to hold on. Still being there whenever needed, and maintaining the right amount of distance.

What she didn't know is that inside him, a storm was building up, a scavenging struggle between his emotions and rationale. His impulsive tendencies pushed him to the verge of spilling out everything that has been inside for a long time, every time he saw her, every single time. But his mind always managed to stop him.
Partly because he wanted to pick the right time and partly because he didn't want her to get the wrong idea. Or even question the seriousness of his feelings and thoughts about her.

They met years ago, out of mutual interest, he found a perfect person in her, a perfection too good to be true to the extent that it scared him, not of her, of himself. He was at a point in his life when responsibilities and commitments become self destructive. And he was honest about it to her from the beginning, he was honest about everything, come to think of it, he's never been anything but honest to her. And that definitely means a lot.

So they drifted apart, and then came back together again, from another perspective, friendship. Shear selfless friendship, one that doesn't bend.
And then they drifted apart again, when she met someone.
He tried to hold on, but he was weak. And his grip wasn't strong enough.
And suddenly, she was gone.

Fate still decides otherwise, months later, after he, too, went on. She comes back. This time broken, clueless and somewhat of a wreck.
A result of inhumane treatment, after throwing herself into the arms of the worthless, who knows nothing about courtesy or truthfulness.

He tried his best to embrace her, wondering how things happen in directions that are never expected.
At this point in his life, things started to become clearer, he was more confident, strong again, definite and oriented towards self fulfillment.
Only one thing was missing, her.

And he's going insane.


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